Cheaters Never Prosper. So true.

Recently an article was put out by MSN called "I went undercover on America's cheating website." I ran into it on a friend's webpage this morning.

The article notes that sex only scratches the surface of the reasons why 5,440,000 U.S. men cheat openly on ashleymadison.com. Are we surprised?

From the writer's experience with various members from the site, she found some interesting but not alarming reasons why these men were cheating. Her subtitles linked us to these themes:
* Am I missing out?
* I could never have this conversation with her
* Talking about the glory days
* On to the next

Am I missing out?

Because we live in the era of information overload, countless choices, numerous career changes, instant messaging and instant gratification, can we be surprised that people feel like they are missing out? Not only does having too many options exhaust us, but it also makes people question whether or not they made the right choice.

An article published in the LA times in 2009 mentions that having too many choices does not necessarily mean a happier consumer.

I think that this observation can be keenly noted in the area of relationships. Are the people who frequent such websites happier than the average citizen? Have they accepted that enough is enough? Do we need to have our cake and our neighbor's cake and eat it all too? This seems to be modern culture's way of thought. In the end, the person with all the cake is feeling fat and wondering why they ate all the cake.

We should be asking why are we so hungry? Do we feel unloved? What is it that is really bothering us? After examining that question maybe we can begin to look ourselves in the eye and get to the heart of the matter, and maybe we can begin to address why the relationship we are in isn't working for us. Maybe.

I could never have this conversation with her

I am not going to write a novel about each topic, that would bore you. I will say two things here:

1) If you are going to get married, make sure you can converse with the person you are marrying. Pretty simple rule to follow.

2) If you are having issues with communication or lost it somewhere down the road, seek counseling first. Perhaps the person isn't right for you and you can cross that bridge when it comes up, but at least have the courage to address the issue. Going behind somebody's back and talking to someone else about how you cannot communicate with another person does not improve anything. It only hurts both parties.

Talking about the glory days

Two things again:

1) Yes it's fun to relive the excitement and yes it is true that some of that first excitement will change over time and never be the same. But don't stop trying to be excited. Do new things in your relationship or as the article put it, "keep it fresh."

2) This section of the article reminded me about a blog I posted in 2008 about relationships and community. It has a cute little excerpt from Vonnegut's God bless you, Dr. Kervorkian that talks about how people are really missing community or true friends in their lives, not necessarily a better partner. People just want people to talk to and to tell their story to again and again (you'll see this a lot with old people).

On to the next

This part connects to having too many choices but also reminds me again of mainstream culture's infatuation with disposability and waste. We consider it luxury at the peril of ourselves and others, mainly people we exploit from third world countries and the world itself--Mother Earth.

In the case of the article people are doing it to their own family members. Do they think that these actions do not hurt their children--the future generation? How incredibly sad, but transparent, these "cheaters" are simply lost human beings seeking love. It could be argued that they are just products or reflections of our societal values right now.

With that said, let us truly wake up and really think about this article today. Think about our own loneliness. When you are feeling lonely how do you deal with it? Maybe you do not cheat but do you maybe go and buy things you do not need or indulge in foods that make you ill? Just think about it for a moment.

Also, let us ask ourselves, do we treat other people and ourselves with integrity and with value anymore? What are our values? What is really missing in our lives that drive us to such measures? Do we treat nature and our neighboring countries and those afar with the respect and love that they deserve? Why or why not?

Read the full MSN article here.

Forgiveness and 100 demons

I recently met up with my friend Colleen, and we got to talking about ourselves and our "demons" so to speak, which brings me on here to share two things.

One: I need to learn what forgiveness really means. It is one of my demons I have not really encountered fully. I need to know what forgiveness looks like, sounds like, smells like, tastes like and most important, feels like in real life. I know what not forgiving does to me, it makes me feel like crap and it seeps into my life affecting me negatively, when I least expect it. So, I am ready to be more open to actually acknowledging that I need to forgive people in my life (both from the past and the present, and I need to forgive myself for the mistakes I have made and the ones I will continue to make).

On that note, it wasn't until last weekend that I had a revelation that a lot of my guilt issues I have had all my life do not actually stem from true guilt but actually are just being masked as "guilt." What happens to be hiding behind this mask are actually situations that I have felt wronged by and experiences that I feel somebody owes me an apology.

Truth is, I do not really need the apology anymore, I have moved on on a surface level and am quite fine in that regard, however, now I just need to move on from the buried hurt that resurfaces every now and again. How do I do that? Forgiveness. Easy to note and a simple solution, but how to employ it, I ask myself (and you). It should be interesting to see how this pans out and if I can actually do it. I think paying attention to it is the first step and talking it out, like I am doing now.

Here is a quote that I am trying to look at once a day to remind myself of my intent to bring forgiveness into my life.

"Forgiveness has nothing to do with forgetting...A wounded person cannot--indeed, should not--think that a faded memory can provide an expiration of the past. To forgive, one must remember the past, put it into perspective, and move beyond it. Without remembrance, no wound can be transcended."

Two: Demons. Yes, I want to talk about my experience with them. I once read the book One! Hundred! Demons! by Lynda Barry which is a painted, quasi-autobiographical experience that is broken up into little graphic stories that are her "demons" so to speak. It is really a cool book and a neat exercise to do.



I read this book in one of my English courses at St. Olaf, and we had to make a graphic book about some of our demons. This Christmas I hope to dig it up in storage at home and see what I had written about 3 years ago--to see if any of the demons have changed.

I also should note, that I am currently reading another one of Lynda Barry's books called, What It Is which was an impulse buy (Amazon.com recommended it to me when I was looking for books on writing). I remembered my previous experience with the author and was thrilled to purchase a book that has more illustrations than words; it has been soothing to the mind and the soul. Anyway, I opened the first page last night and have not been disappointed since. It's like she is speaking my very own story, and it is very in line with everything I have been learning from my Masters program in Holistic Health Studies. Very cool, and something to check out if you want to try reading something different with lots of fun pictures and thought-provoking sentences.

That's all.

Friends for a reason, a season, or a lifetime

Helllllloooooo out there.

I apologize for my online hiatus! Rest assured I have just been a bit swept up with my current going-ons and I plan to try and post once a month (a New Year's resolution). Sadly I missed January, and I know it is not very ambitious to say once a month, but really it is getting harder to commit oneself to writing something like this on a regular basis. I hardly have time to empty the dishwasher it seems!

I write because I feel like I am really growing up this year. I don't know what it is, but I crave shaking things up a bit/growing up a bit...and regardless of the reasons why, I am trying to do just that--follow through with life goals, and I am using the whole new year thing to make myself actually do what I say.

One goal I would like to expand upon tonight has to do with my treatment of relationships (funny that I am talking about those again), but relationships are and have always been a main life-driving force for me. And they have gotten out-of-hand for me lately and my goal is to change my view of friendships.

I tend to judge my character/my self-worth/my success on my relationships. This can be a good thing, and this can be a bad thing for me. Not everybody is like this, in fact most people base their success on other things like money, looks, sex, power, job/career, education, family, marital status, or a combination...But what I am saying is that I have always tried to be a good friend, above all things, and it means a lot to me if I feel like I have accomplished this role.

However, lately it has been difficult for me to measure my friendships. How does one rate another's "goodness"? What qualifies you as a good friend? Is your friendship just as good if you are friends with 500 other people in the exact same way? Some people would argue no you are not as good of a friend. I don't know what I think here, but sometimes I agree with those people. The more of yourself you give away the less you have to give. But sometimes I totally disagree, sometimes I feel the more the merrier and the more people I am friends with and know, the more life experience I have and the more I can offer my friends.

Lately I think I am a little too welcoming. I accept and I love people very easily and can be taken advantage of in my willingness to be another's friend. And when you are this kind of a person, you can gain a lot of friendships. However, what I have also learned recently is that I cannot maintain the kind of quality friendships I want with all of the people I would like to. I used to get more upset about this revelation. I used to actually get stressed. But part of growing up, I am letting go of all of those stresses, and it feels good. Friendship should not morph into some sort of micro-managing act. And for me it has begun to turn into that. And by using those words to describe my relationships, don't get me wrong I am not acting, I am still genuine, but I have learned that there is not enough time for me to be there for one friend who might be in need, when I am grabbing coffee with another friend. And most important, I cannot be there for a friend when I cannot be there for myself. In other words, this goal of mine, to change my relationships, means I want to have a better relationship with myself this year, and I think I am off to a better start than a month ago, so that's a start.

So what is with the title of the post? It takes me awhile to bring you to the point, but I might as well be forward now: this morning I received a note from a friend of mine, that I feel very connected to, although over the past 6 months we have had little contact with one another and it really has only been a recently developed relationship, but she mentioned to me the poem that talks about friends. The poem says that we will have friends for a reason, friends for a season and friends for a lifetime. This friend of mine said that she hoped and felt that our friendship would be for a lifetime. This message really touched me, and it moved me so, that I had to come on and write this post tonight. What I want to emphasize is this, first, I am grateful to have her in my life and second, why do people get hung up on the friends that they have lost, the friends that let-go, the friends that ignore you, the friends that can't speak from their heart to your heart? The friends that back-stab, the friends that want to see you fail, the friends that just don't care, the unreliable types? Why do we feel bad so bad about losing these people, when we have one or two or maybe a handful of just high quality people in our lives? Why can't we appreciate the beauty and truth that lie in these people that love us, and why do we let the other relationships get under our skin?

And I am not saying that because a friendship ends that it has to have ended badly. But why is it so hard for people to understand and accept the idea that there are friends for a reason, that are there because at the time it works and makes sense and then they go, and there are friends for a season, they give you great joy, but it was a time and place, a season, and you have moved on (you can't live in HI watching the whales your whole life), and then there are those friends that will be there for a lifetime.

Today I am embracing all of these friendships, and I feel lucky to know that I have a handful of people that I feel would do anything for me, and I would genuinely do anything for them. And with this feeling of gratitude, as I grow this year I hope to allow those friendships that grow so easily to just grow and not worry so much about those that just seem to have stopped growing and just accept them for the joy they provided me when they were growing.

On death, on life, on future, on present, on the place called Heaven

Last night I spent some quality time with a gentleman caller I am particularly fond of (I know, gentleman caller, what am I living in the 1940's? What are kids these days calling a man lady friend...? Ah, defining is confining), anyway, it dawned on me yet again, that I need to continue to carry out my philosophy of truly living moment by moment and truly being present in my daily existence. It is so easy to have a belief and wholly believe it, but to live it out, to practice it, is a-whole-nother challenge. And, anyway, being with this boy has again brought to my attention the necessity to really just be in the moment and not dwell so much on where it is heading, because when people start doing that, well shit hits the fan and I don't know about you, but I don't want to really go there if I don't have to.

So many relationships are squashed because they are built on all of these promises that occur in the future or they are all complex due to elements of the past, and while I recognize the past is very important, (and this is why I tend to get hesitant if somebody's past seems sketchy), I also recognize that sometimes those events should just simply be looked at as being part of the past, and if they made up the person who is standing in front of you in the present, the person that you adore so much, then should it really matter that much?

I am trying not to get too deep here, and I didn't want this to get so long and I don't really know where I am going with it (check out all the labels for this post). All I am saying is that I am trying to live life doing the things I love. I am trying to live as a good and honest person. So with honesty, I write that I have been slightly worried really to open up to a new person, but this morning on my ride into work I had a revelation (after I conquered my fears) that if it is working now, then that is all that matters. And what brought me again to this realization is the passage you see below, which captures the main point of all that I am saying in a more general, succinct and beautiful way (and this actually pertains to pending death, not a relationship, but I think it works for what I am going for).

"In suggesting that there may be nothing ahead of them, he in no way meant to diminish the future; instead, Father Sullivan hoped to elevate the present to a state of the divine. ... How wrongheaded it seemed now to think that the thrill of heartbeat and breath were just a stepping stone to something greater. What could be greater than the armchair, the window, the snow? Life itself had been holy." (p.131)

Last night the mother of my manfriend read some pages and this was the only quoted part I could find online. I remember though, as she was puffing a cigarette, that this was the end of the passage she read. And I really liked it. She is making a copy of the larger passage, and if I get so ambitious as to add it to this page later, so be it. If not, I think this illustrates the message well enough.

So often we live with these hopes and dreams, asking questions like where do you want to be 5 years from now? Some people answer "Happy." However what people don't recognize is that you can be happy today if you want to be. Same with Heaven. Some people are living in this magnificent world, not thinking much of it, throwing trash in it, abusing it, ignoring it, taking it for granted, thinking that this life is not real, and Heaven is where its at. Yet ironically some of these same people are afraid of death, because they are afraid that Heaven might not be there, and then what? Well as Ann Patchett would suggest in a page or so of her book, "Run," why live in fear and elevate the future so much? Why not think about this: what if this world is Heaven? Why can't this life be heaven? Would people feel sad to know that this might just be it? If that is how you feel...sad or disappointed you might want to reevaluate what is important to you in life.

Would I be sad to know that this life is it, that this life could be Heaven and God himself? I sure wouldn't, not in the slightest. In fact, what a better way to live than elevate the present moment and the present life to the divine! Why not be grateful for the life we are living? Rather than search for God in some distant, uncertain future, why not find him in daily life/existence? Why not find him in the eyes of your lover, a friend, a stranger, or even yourself? Why not find him in the trunk of a tree, the rushing waters of a river? That is what life is all about to me, finding God or whatever higher being in today, in the now. And being ever so grateful for the life that I have been given today. :)

So on that note, have a wonderful day today! And may you have many more :)

Divorce and deep thoughts about the birds and the bees

OK, now let's have some fun. Let's talk about sex. Let's talk about women. Freud said he didn't know what women wanted. I know what women want. They want a whole lot of people to talk to. What do they want to talk about? They want to talk about everything.

What do men want? They want a lot of pals, and they wish people wouldn't get so mad at them.

Why are so many people getting a divorce today? It's because most of us don't have extended families anymore. It used to be that when a man and a woman got married, the bride got a lot more people to talk to about everything. The groom got more pals to tell dumb jokes to.

A few Americans, but very few, still have extended families. The Navahos. The Kennedys.

But most of us, if we get married nowadays, are just one more person for the other person. The groom gets one more pal, but it's a woman. The woman gets one more person to talk to about everything, but it's a man. When a couple has an argument, they may think it's about money or power or sex, or how to raise the kids, or whatever. What they're really saying to each other, though, without realizing it, is this:

'You are not enough people!'

I met a man in Nigeria one time, an Ibo who had 600 relatives he knew quite well. His wife just had a baby, the best possible news in any extended family.

They were going to take it to meet all its relatives, Ibos of all ages and sizes and shapes. It would even meet other babies, cousins not much older than it was. Everybody who was big enough and steady enough was going to get to hold it, cuddle it, gurgle to it, and say how pretty it was, or handsome.

Wouldn't you have loved to be that baby?


The above passage is taken from Kurt Vonnegut's introduction in his God Bless You, Dr. Kevorkian (pages 14-16). Now, truth be told, I first listened to this 79 page book on tape and it concluded in about 45 minutes of driving into work last Thursday. Then of course I had to buy the book. It has been maybe 3 years since I read Vonnegut's Cat's Cradle, and I had forgotten how much I enjoyed his writing and sense of humor. It is a unique book as it was actually broadcasted over the radio to begin with, so I felt happy to have first experienced it through its intended method of communication.

Anyway, I put this blurb up there because while he contradicts himself to make a joke, there is a lot of truth in his words. In his contradiction, Vonnegut makes another point. That we humans are quite contradictory, and we might think we want something, but the second we may have it, we can find thousands of reasons why we wish it was some other way.

This also leads to his comment about marriage/divorce and how the main reason relationships fail is because we want more than one person, more than one relationship. I agree with this idea. I don't (and he doesn't either, I don't think) believe he is necessarily alluding to the idea that we want to be with more than one person promiscuously, but rather, we all have many interests and passions and hobbies, and personality traits, and hopes and dreams, so it is very, very hard to find one person who can encompass/satisfy all of our needs in just one person. I was actually discussing this very idea with a friend who had just ended a relationship of 5 years or so, and she was asking why best friends could stay friends forever, but it couldn't be that way in an amorous relationship. And I had mentioned to her the fact that, we often seek certain friends when we are in certain moods, if you have a friend you like to bead with, you can call the beader. If you want to play basketball, you can round up the ballers, if you want to go drinking, you call the drunks. And those best friends of yours? Well couldn't you just kill them sometimes? Don't you sometimes take weeks/months/year's breaks from them? But when it comes to that special someone that Disney and mom and dad and everyone around you has built up (including yourself), you don't just want to make jewelry with them, or bake cookies together, well maybe you do (I do..but anyway...) you expect the whole world and then a little bit more from them. And well, if you really think about it, of course the relationship would be destined to fail if you actually believed one person could satisfy every need you have.

I am not saying that I don't believe you can find one person to love ya darn good and for eternity, etc. etc. I still believe in butterflies and romance, and big teddy bears and chocolate cakes. They definitely exist. But the main point of this blog post tonight is that, (I think?) you should never let go of the opportunity to meet new people and expand your horizons. Never let yourself stop learning or just spend your whole existence with one person. At least if you are with that person, be sure you are doing the things you want to be doing, and be sure never to let go of people that once mattered to you because you think your found your Romeo or Juliet. Shit happens. And when it does, the truth is you do want more than one person to be there for you.

And, I just have to diminish my powerful ending (ha!) with some more tangents by saying I think that this blog was spurred by a few things going on in my personal life right now:

a) Kurt Vonnegut rocking my world and making the rest of my weekend fabulous by his witticisms.

b) Me feeling older than I am, (A co-worker of mine did say, "Kali, you are like a 78 year-old stuck in a 23 year-old's body) and really appreciating every moment of my life.

c) All of the weddings going on, divorces, and relationship woes with my fellow classmates causes time for reflection and praise for my easy life of managing my relationship with myself and my friends and family.

d) The recent realization that I am in no way ready to settle down! Not to say that being in a relationship means settling down (I hope to still be rowdy when I am cuddled up on a floral-printed sofa with my lover, watching a re-run of Wheel of Fortune, come age 80 something.)

e) The meeting of some cool, intelligent, chemical engineer girls that I never knew until this weekend--again demonstrating how your life can take a new turn everyday if you want it to.

But I have spent enough time here today, and there is lots of work I have yet to do before the work week begins, so like Vonnegut would say, Ta ta for now! This is kj, signing off!