One: I need to learn what forgiveness really means. It is one of my demons I have not really encountered fully. I need to know what forgiveness looks like, sounds like, smells like, tastes like and most important, feels like in real life. I know what not forgiving does to me, it makes me feel like crap and it seeps into my life affecting me negatively, when I least expect it. So, I am ready to be more open to actually acknowledging that I need to forgive people in my life (both from the past and the present, and I need to forgive myself for the mistakes I have made and the ones I will continue to make).
On that note, it wasn't until last weekend that I had a revelation that a lot of my guilt issues I have had all my life do not actually stem from true guilt but actually are just being masked as "guilt." What happens to be hiding behind this mask are actually situations that I have felt wronged by and experiences that I feel somebody owes me an apology.
Truth is, I do not really need the apology anymore, I have moved on on a surface level and am quite fine in that regard, however, now I just need to move on from the buried hurt that resurfaces every now and again. How do I do that? Forgiveness. Easy to note and a simple solution, but how to employ it, I ask myself (and you). It should be interesting to see how this pans out and if I can actually do it. I think paying attention to it is the first step and talking it out, like I am doing now.
Here is a quote that I am trying to look at once a day to remind myself of my intent to bring forgiveness into my life.
"Forgiveness has nothing to do with forgetting...A wounded person cannot--indeed, should not--think that a faded memory can provide an expiration of the past. To forgive, one must remember the past, put it into perspective, and move beyond it. Without remembrance, no wound can be transcended."
Two: Demons. Yes, I want to talk about my experience with them. I once read the book One! Hundred! Demons! by Lynda Barry which is a painted, quasi-autobiographical experience that is broken up into little graphic stories that are her "demons" so to speak. It is really a cool book and a neat exercise to do.
I read this book in one of my English courses at St. Olaf, and we had to make a graphic book about some of our demons. This Christmas I hope to dig it up in storage at home and see what I had written about 3 years ago--to see if any of the demons have changed.
I also should note, that I am currently reading another one of Lynda Barry's books called, What It Is which was an impulse buy (Amazon.com recommended it to me when I was looking for books on writing). I remembered my previous experience with the author and was thrilled to purchase a book that has more illustrations than words; it has been soothing to the mind and the soul. Anyway, I opened the first page last night and have not been disappointed since. It's like she is speaking my very own story, and it is very in line with everything I have been learning from my Masters program in Holistic Health Studies. Very cool, and something to check out if you want to try reading something different with lots of fun pictures and thought-provoking sentences.
That's all.
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