Do or do not. There is no try.

Hello online friends,

Truth be told, I have been incredibly swept up in life lately. For the past month I have been in the middle of my dissertation trying to answer the question, "Who is my community?" which then lead naturally to the question "Who am I?"

Why do I always ask such charged questions? I'm not sure, but I think it is because we all tend to ask questions that we really want to know the answer to--so this past month I have really been exploring just that...who...am...I?

What is to be said of that experience will be put together in words and in art form in the next few weeks, hopefully days if I can really push myself to DO it.

While I recognize that I am constantly changing and that it will only be a snapshot of myself right at this very moment, it has still been quite the task to attempt to answer such a question for me. It has been incredibly challenging and for the time being, my answer to the question, "who am I?" is "Procrastinator."

"Who do I want to be?" is another question that has come into play in this discourse...while I am trying to define my community and myself there is a lot of thought surrounding the future and who I am to become. Which leads me to who I presently want to be in this moment today: Yoda. If I was more like Yoda I would not be on here typing about my anxiety for writing and creating but would be persevering!

"Do or do not. There is no try." Good advice for me this week, and maybe for you readers out there?

Are you a student? Do you order from Amazon.com?

Just saw today when ordering some books for school that there is an Amazon Student option you can sign up for. Only catch is it probably only applies to NEW books, which I usually do not purchase if I can avoid it.

The membership lasts for a year so make sure you note that. Also it does say you can save on other things outside of textbooks so if you order often from amazon.com often, chances are it might be worth it for you. All you need is a dot-edu (.edu) email account, check it out here

I wish I knew this information a little sooner, so I am sharing it with my young friends or studious amigos.

Also, I know I always talk about Halfprice books, but seriously, check it out already! If you can get over the idea of "used items" and instead consider them "awesome, delightful, sweet-bum, dirt cheap gems" you will love the place just as much as I do.

When I go there it's always a game for me--I try to bring a list of books I need and make a game out of how many I can find. Yesterday I found 3 out of 4 school books. I was pretty happy.

I ended up purchasing the 3 books for class and then 2 just for fun books, so 5 books total. I had a $5 off coupon so my total came to $12 for all the books! If I would have purchased just the 3 books for class new it would have been over $60 plus shipping online.

Crazy, good stuff :)

Which reminds me...I love books in an unhealthy way...

I may need help.

A new semester begins, with some new habits to boot

My final full semester of school begins today. I am taking four courses, all of which I am actually quite excited about.

I have research class, which hopefully despite the extra work will be more rewarding this semester with my new direction, community building.

I have a movement class which talks about how different movements affect the body/mind/spirit's health. Oooh, I can only hope that means we will be getting out of our chairs during class time.

I'll be doing an independent study on how art affects the health of an individual, a community and the world, as well as exploring different forms of art on my own (a self-study). I will also address the bigger question, "What is the purpose of art?"

My last class will be at the Cultural Wellness Center and it is called Organization for Social Change. I'm stoked for it. My biggest reason for going into my field of holistic health studies is because I believe EVERYBODY should have access to good health and there are ways we can do it without having to rely on insurance companies and medical doctors. We can take care of ourselves! Woo hoo :)

Additionally, I will be continuing with training in Beginning Yoga I and II, which will be great learning but also great self-care for the semester.

It will be busy but I am excited for some movement this cold winter.

Beyond the exciting news of the classes I am taking I wanted to come on here and be open about some goals I am trying to meet on the side of academics. I feel by sharing this news it will further my dedication to these goals.

Number One: Become a Vegetarian.
It's already been three days meat-free and I have to say I am feeling fine. I am looking forward to this challenge of eating a nutritionally balanced vegetarian diet. After basically being a flexitarian my whole life, I am making the final plunge and letting go of meat-eating for awhile. I will assess my health and see if it is a good choice for me along the way.

How I came to this decision?

1. Recent discussion with my pal who just went vegan. Thanks Ash, for the inspiration.

2. Listening to exerpts from the book, Slaughterhouse. The cruelty of animals in factory farming just killed me. There was one part where a factory worker was describing just before a pig was to be slaughtered. He said it came up to him and nudged up against the worker like a puppy. For some reason after hearing all of the horrific ways these animals are being killed and treated, hearing about this pig described as a puppy begging for forgiveness made my stomach turn. It also made me want to adopt a pig and have it as a pet. I'm working on this one with Jay.

3. My connection to Buddhism, long ago instilled a wish inside me to follow the vegetarian ways of life. It is much better on the environment, the animals and the world.

4. This decision will further my want/need to pursue gardening.

Number two: Kick the refined sugar, flour and what have you.
We'll see how this one goes. For some reason sugar has been the ultimate hardest thing for me to let go, and it is addictive as hell. While I have periods of no-sugar I have not given it up for more than a couple weeks. I'd like to at least go a month greatly reducing refined/processed foods in my life and see what happens. I figured this would be a necessary pairing with my choice to be a vegetarian because many vegetarians eat sugary, processed, white bread products to keep awake because they may lack protein.

Number three: Get back on the treadmill.
My 12 times a month to the Y have looked more like me stopping by and laying in the hot sauna for 20 minutes and then calling it a workout. I need to get my body moving. I always feel better when I do.

Number four: Take more public transportation.
I am going to try taking more PT to school (baby steps). So when I attend classes on Wednesdays and Thursdays, I will try my best to take PT or carpool. I talk about being environmentally conscious and I'd like to incorporate this piece more in my daily habits.

Those are the some things I am going to really work on in addition to school and life in general. While it will be challenging for me, I am excited at the prospect of feeling more energized and in line with my beliefs/principles.

Building Community, Building Health

The above diagram is the Cultural Wellness Center's take on how sickness develops. They call it the People's Theory, and they link one's lack of community directly to one's health and well-being.

This organization's goal is "to unleash the power of citizens to heal themselves and build community."

For my Master's research project, I have recently switched from the topic of healthy homes to community building. I figure if we want to spread the word about what is healthy and what is not in our homes and in our life, we need a place and a people to start the movement and the discussion first. So now I sit with many empty pages that need to be filled, ready to start research on community.

As of now, I really do have a blank page. I have dialed some people and wrote some emails but I am not sure where the project will go.

I hope to collaborate with the Cultural Wellness Center for part of my research project, and I have sent an email and left a phone message. Now I wait to hear back. Crossing my fingers that something pans out.

So here's to hoping they call me and hoping that today brings you a positive sense of belonging and worth :)

Questions to ask yourself about community and health:
* Who is your community?
* What different communities do you belong to?
* How do these communities affect your health and well-being?
* When was a time you felt isolated and lonely, without a community? How was your health during this time period?

Trust the Process

This post is about trusting the process. One of those sayings that I love and hate at the same time.

The particular process I am talking about refers to my research project (although "the process" also applies to life as a whole).

Research, in particular, has been quite a pain so far. This is an understatement. Ask my classmates. So far, not a lot of joy has come out of "the process" with this course. I'm sorry to report this news, but that's my truth at the moment.

This upcoming semester is supposed to be my last semester in research. (Note I say supposed to be...I'm crossing my fingers). By the end of May according to the syllabus, I should be presenting my work.

Sitting in my kitchen right now, buried under an array of books and papers and the clutter of my mind, I am feeling smaller and smaller, like my voice is getting weaker through this "process."

At the same time, I am feeling something stronger, just at the surface of something. What this feeling is must be hope or perhaps a twitch of some sort. If I'm lucky it means I'm on the verge of a breakthrough. If I'm not lucky, it could be closer to something like a breakdown. I'm not sure. I'm just waiting.

I don't have much time to elaborate on what I'm going through, but I'd like to put some quotes up from Shaun McNiff that are all I have to hold onto at this point. In my journey so far he is the only person who seems to make me feel a little better about the feeling of stuckness I have regarding research and what research is all about. These quotes come from his book, Trust the process: An artist's guide to letting go.

"A person's license to create is irrevocable, and it opens to every corner of daily life. But it is always hard to see that doubt, fear, and indirectness are eternal aspects of the creative path" (p. 1).

"There have been so many times when I have given up, only to go at it again the next day, or the next year, and over the full course of life all of the moments appear so purposeful or even necessary" (p. 9).

"If we are able to stay with a situation, it will carry us to a new place" (p. 22).

"Anything truly novel and significant comes through unwatched, unintended, daimonically" (p.33).

The book is full of these sorts of gems, but I do not have time nor is it legal to paste them all down for you. So borrow the book from me or buy it if you are needing some words of encouragement through your creative process--your life, is what I'd call it.

On a side note: I will say, while I have not been personally touched by my Ah ha! moment in the realm of research, some other synchronicities have been playing themselves out in life, and there may be opportunities there for creation and a potential "side business." If I am lucky, it could be bigger than a side business. However, until I finish my research work for my M.A. I will not be putting too much time into this dream of mine.

Which leaves me to my last quote that I just saw on my tea bag:

"Our patience will achieve more than our force."

Harborview Cafe

This past Sunday I took an excursion with some of my fellow classmates/friends from my program to Lake Pepin to eat lunch at Harborview Cafe. We were also going to stop at the National Eagle Center in Wabasha which is nearby, but we happened to see a lot of eagles perched in trees and flying around on our scenic drive so we skipped the center. And when I say scenic drive, I mean it, it may be one of the best places to go to look at fall colors (which were just starting to turn--I may need to return if I have time one day this fall).

I came on here to share the report that the food was very, very good. Not surprising if you check out the reviews for the restaurant. Although (per usual) there were people waiting outside for the restaurant to open, we were lucky we didn't have a long wait and were able to be seated right away. The service was friendly. The proportions were quite large and the entrees were spendier from about $16-$30, but it was well worth it. They also only accept cash or check. I ended up getting the telefonos which are like a Roman-style, stuffed rice ball (is the best way I can think to describe it). The restaurant just said risotto, but it was like a rice and cheese ball. Yum. Their fish looked excellent, but due to the recent discovery that I have high levels of mercury in my system I am a little hesistant to eat fish. Which is a total bummer! But at least I have a better idea about why I can be mad as a hatter ;)

Here are some photos of the field trip. It felt good to be with school friends away from school and the stress of school. I think another field trip will have to be scheduled. Unfortunately looking at the calendar it might have to be after the semester is over!

Camille and me waiting for the cafe to open


Liz, Em and Ang


The girls


My meal, the telefonos


Ang's rainbow trout


Group shot after the meal

Information System Overload

This photo, "Brain Explosion" was drawn by artist, Amanda Abella.

I like this picture because it really captures how I feel right now about life. When I think of information systems or about the brain I think about it very mechanically and almost robotic. When I hear the words "system overload," I think about technology and computers. One wouldn't generally think about flowers really. However, in this moment I do. I feel that a huge expansion is occurring in my brain/mind and it feels like an explosion, but I feel more like Amanda's picture. It is an expansion/transformation that is bigger than me, and greater in depth than I can understand right now, but I can feel it and it is not an explosion that is destructive but more so it is creative.

Now if you haven't been following my blog you might not have noticed I am going to school for Holistic Health Studies right now. This moving into graduate school is contributing greatly to this shift in mindset. For two years my brain has been dormant and suddenly it is being electrocuted with new ways of thinking, new reading materials, and creative research projects. While I am incredibly stoked and the happiest I have ever felt in my life right now, it does bring about some great personal challenges that I am going to have to face. One of those challenges is handling this shift in perspective and also handling the wonderful information I do receive and making sure it creates and gives off something more than just an explosion.

Also, I might add that if time allows, I have been considering creating another blog to specifically follow my journey in my Master's Program because I can already feel that it is going to be full of surprises and growth and I constantly want to talk about it. I'll keep you posted on its potential birthdate. I already started another blog called Go Green Machine. I created this one specifically because I am trying to be a little more organized in my thoughts and in my sharing with you all and I have great interest in conservation and the environment and sustainability as well.

I'd love to stay and write more about this "explosion/expansion" as my mind is teeming with information just waiting to be unpacked, but I have to get in the shower and begin addressing the piles of research projects and homework that have approaching deadlines.

Cheers to Friday and homework and BALANCE! May we all lead a balanced day and life!

The 2007 Shift Report: Evidence of a World Transforming (The Institute of Noetic Sciences)

I'm beginning my reading for one of my classes, and it is like a flashback to Hawaii.
Trying not to stress out about it, but can't not write something about this interesting statistic.

"The majority (79%) of freshmen in 1970 had an important personal objective of 'developing a meaningful philosophy of life.' By 2005, the majority of freshmen (75%) said their primary objective was 'being very well of financially.'"

This scares me a lot. People believe that "it's perfectly reasonable that the economy should be the paramount institution around which everything else revolves and economic logic and economic values should guide our decision." However, as the article I am reading notes, "It turns out that if you look at the assumptions underlying our economic system--especially the ones regarding the prerogatives of ownership--and then you look at the goals we humans have about how we want to live our lives, there is no compatibility. The assumptions can never lead to the goals" (The Institute of the Noetic Sciences, The 2007 Shift Report: Evidence of A World Transforming).

So, in other words, we are living a modern myth and we need to WAKE UP! Over time, our materialistic and scientifically based worldview has done some good things for society. For instance, lower infant mortality rates, extinguished fatal diseases, brought about an information explosion in technology, etc. etc., however, "the net result has been disastrous." I don't feel like going into it right now because I should be relaxing right now and preparing for an interview, but I will end with this little blurb:

Conditioned by a Tribal Mindset
"I think that we reject the evidence that our world is changing because we are still, as that wonderfully wise biologist E.O. Wilson reminded us, tribal carnivores. We are programmed by our inheritance to see other living things as mainly something to eat, and we care more about our national tribe than anything else. We will even give our lives for it and are quite ready to kill other humans in the cruelest of ways for the good of our tribe. We still find alien the concept that we and the rest of life from bacteria to whales, are parts of the much larger and diverse entity, the living Earth."
-The Revenge of Gaia: Earth's Climate Crisis and the Fate of Humanity by James Lovelock (Basic Books, 2006).

School is Cool

Hey all, I am home early from a fabulous house warming party, however I am feeling a bit tummyache-ish due to overconsumption/indulging. So I decided to come home early, curl up in bed, blog a little and then hit the hay before a beautiful day tomorrow...I hope the forecast is on target, I have so much I want to accomplish.

Today was orientation for first-year grad students, and I have to say that I am incredibly stoked for Holistic Health Studies! I just haven't felt this excited about school for a really long time!!! It's great and that's all there is to it. I have some years of transforming ahead of me, but I am so ready and crazy about what I am about to begin studying! How lucky do I feel to have the opportunity to do this, and how grateful am I, to have taken a leap and to have done something I was unsure about in such an unsure time. Now I am more certain than ever that this path I am taking, is the one for me, and I'm about to set foot on it in a couple short weeks.

Anyway, I am feeling highly ambitious right now so I wanted to write a little bit about what was said today at orientation that inspired me (so I can come back and look at it when I am struggling and need to be reminded why I have chosen an unconventional, challenging, uncertain and transformative path). The women on the panel who came in today and talked about what they are doing with their HHS Masters were inspiring, genuine, and very admirable. The main points of advice they shared that stuck with me were as follows.

1) From a nurse who was fed up with healthcare and its rigid boundaries, who now works with pregnant women who want natural childbirthing experiences: "In nursing, you always learn about how to take care of others, but you never take a class that tells you that you need to take care of yourself. This program keeps you in check and reminds you of this necessity." Pretty dead on, and pretty "ah-ha, yeah duh!" but very good point that needs to be remembered and honored time and time again for all of us. As we all recognize, you cannot be good at what you are doing, in this case, taking care of others, if you do not know how to take care of yourself.

(Which reminds me, I just googled Holistic Health Studies and the link came up with a picture and a blurb on the above nurse, I was speaking about, check it out).

2) From a girl with an undergrad in public health regarding the program, "You think you know you, but then you take a class, and your world changes again." She also mentioned how admirable it is to be involved in a degree that digs so deeply within, and how it is much harder to take time to dig inside and see what we are made of than it is to go into something like dentistry or law, etc. Now don't get me wrong, she did not diminish the power of other occupations or their time consumption/difficulty, I mean, they have there place in society and are necessary, but rather she elevated the power of the self and knowing the self and examining the self, and she spoke to the value of knowing oneself... defining this self-study as a knowledge uncomparable to that of other degrees and a knowledge invaluable to both ourselves and the world because this self-knowing creates enabled and powerful individuals.

3) "Don't plan ahead, and don't worry. As you learn your intuitions, learn to follow them, everything else will also follow and fall into place." I like this one a lot because recently I have a tendency to be a planner. For example, just the other day I called my boy at work and told him of this plan I had that basically mapped out our life until 2012. Despite my weird and sometimes perceived lazy tendencies, I am often two steps ahead of myself which is great, but has its side effects. These words shared by almost all of the panelists reminded me that I need this program to learn how to slow down again and let go of plans and let plans make themselves. It is better for the soul and takes away unnecessary stress. I need to truly listen to what is happening in my mind, body and spirit. I am ready for this challenge, and ready to again fly by the seat of my pants. Despite me being an excellent planner, I can be really good at going with the flow and following my heart and my dreams wherever they may take me.

Now truthfully I could go on and on about the great things these women are doing with their lives, but truthfully this entry is getting rather long and incoherent. I am very sleepy and wouldn't be surprised if there are many typos on this posting. Oh wells. Bare with me :)

I will try to return tomorrow to post what I originally came on here for. Things I want to do in the next five years.

Let's just say the sneak preview of the list looks something like this...

1) Belly-dancing...