Honor Life

"Do not fear death so much, but rather the inadequate life."
-BERTOLT BRECHT

Last night I was reminded again of how precious life really is and how lucky I am to be alive. It is easy to complain and feel like your life is in shambles, it is much harder for people to really honor their life and their journey and be grateful for the privileges they have been given.

It is also easy for people to wallow in their despair and not move forward with their lives. Rather than taking risks and challenging oneself, people often get stuck in a rut. This stuckness is not really living.

With the poor economy and me wrapping up a Master's degree while searching for a new direction, it is easy to feel stuck and hopeless. I admit I fall victim at times to thinking that I maybe made the wrong decision.

However last night I was brutally reminded how important it is to follow your dreams, even if people try to convince you otherwise.

Jay received a phone call that shook our world. His cousin was on his honeymoon with his new wife and they got in a horrible boating accident. His wife's life was taken.

My thoughts are with their family. From the sounds of it, she was an amazing person who lived her life to the fullest. While it is extremely regrettable and awful that her life was lost at such a young age I feel glad to know that she was a person who honored life and followed her dreams.

I can only hope to emulate her spirit in my daily living.

I'd like to share a quote that she lived by that I feel sums up a lot about the meaning of life.

"Four things support the world: the learning of the wise, the justice of the great, the prayers of the good, and the valor of the brave."

May we all learn how to support the world by fully honoring our lives and the lives of others.

From scratch: Reflection about Grandma J's Blueberry Muffins

Getting in touch with Grandma J

So far the baking/cooking New Year's Resolutions are in full swing. I think the cold weather has really allowed me to spend some time in the kitchen and be creative; it has been great to make some food and treat myself to homemade goodness. I don't think Jay minds it at all either :)

It's also been great to be doing something connected to my grandmother, the grandmother I'd say I had the least opportunity to get close to, because she was the first to go of my four grandparents (so I was younger when it happened).

When I cook/bake, now I often catch myself talking to Grandma aloud and in my head. When I am adapting her recipes, it has been good for me to engage with her in this way. I think it has helped with my baking skills, to be honest. I also feel after the Date Cookie Disaster of 2010, my dedication to keeping at it no matter the outcome, has made my Grandma proud of me. I think that's why last night, despite my absentmindedness, the blueberry muffins that I made "came out" alright.



Making mistakes

This time everything was written down correctly and with detail (thank you Grandma!), however, I forgot to mix the baking soda, baking powder and salt with the flour, and I forgot to add the vanilla when I should have...what was I thinking? I wasn't really. I was thinking that it was going to be a miracle if they would rise evenly, but I added all the stuff at the very end in its liquidy state, and while they are kinda puny looking muffins, they still taste quite amazing for a first attempt with lots of mistakes!

Because of its somewhat success, I wanted to come on here and give thanks to my Grandma for watching over me and for her wonderful recipes :) I learned I will need to pay more attention when I am cooking, and I reflected on why I am here attempting to go through her recipes.

Finding the inspiration to go on

I'm not quite sure where the deep inspiration came from for me to be so into the process of cooking/baking, but I think a lot of it stems from my recent nutrition course in my program and my want to get away entirely from processed foods. However, I have really wanted to put myself into "the process" of making the food and feel more connected to my food choices.

I attended a Meditation class last Saturday and was reminded about the importance of putting time and effort into the things we care about--from meditation to relationships to other practices like cooking.

The teacher was saying, you can't just take a meditation class and learn the principles and think that you are an expert. Just like you can't take a cooking class and expect to be a chef the next day. You need to put time into the practice in order to become proficient in it. You must meditate daily, before you find yourself acquiring the amazing achievements science has found meditation brings. You need to cook everyday to become a great cook.

So it is this principle of giving time to what's important that I am trying to make space for in my life, and I'm excited to see what outcomes lie ahead if I continue to pursue my interests in this way.

Check-in Question
What is it that you would like to develop in your life? Are you putting time into it? Are you building on your experiences? Are you working at it everyday?

Try making a list of things that are important to you be it people, places, skills, etc. and reflect on what you are doing to make these things a priority. What's stopping you from it? How can you make small steps to overcome these blockages?

Thanks for your thoughts, but just give us the recipe...
Grandma J's blueberry muffins (my twist on it is in parenthesis)



1 cup sugar
1/2 cup margerine (1 stick unsalted butter)
2 eggs
1 cup buttermilk (1/2 cup milk with 1/2 cup whole fat yogurt)
2 cups flour
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. salt (sea salt)
1 tsp vanilla
1-1/2 cup blueberries
(cinnamon)

1. Cream together sugar and butter. Add eggs over and beat well.
2. In a separate bowl mix flour, baking soda, baking powder and salt together.
3. Put vanilla in the buttermilk (yogurt/milk).
4. Add flour mixture alternately with buttermilk (milk/yogurt/vanilla mixture).
5. Fold in the berries.
6. Put in lined muffin tins (or lightly oil your muffin pan) 2/3 full. (For me it made 15 muffins).
7. Sprinkle a little cinnamon over the top if it suites you (my addition).
8. Bake at 375 degrees in the oven for 30 minutes (I only needed to do 28 minutes).
9. Enjoy!

FDS- Fun Deficiency Syndrome

Today I came upon an article that talked about Fun Deficiency Syndrome (FDS). While the article is a stretch in some ways--simply linking Clinical Depression to a lack of fun in one's life, one can hardly argue with the point of the piece--as we get older we tend to have less fun, and as a result, our mood is affected.

I know that I can relate to this piece a little. I might do something I think is fun, but because I may be preoccupied with the stress and anxiety of the high-paced lifestyle I can lead, sometimes I miss out on the fun or even skip it because I have so many other things I want to do.

Well, last month I realized that I need more fun and joy in my life. After watching a video of me and my sisters in Korea playing a silly hand-clapping game, I could not stop laughing. It was so fun to see how much fun I was having. I know, how lame is that?

Regardless, this experience was another awakening. I realized that I need more hand clapping in my life. Well, no, not exactly. More so, I realized that I do not really have fun like that very often anymore and I need to before I become croctchety.

So you inadvertently heard another one of my NYR.

#1 Do AT LEAST one activity a month that is 100% fun- no strings attached, no worries, etc.

Just to be fun, here is a picture of a tarot card that showed up in a recent reading.



In my reading, the pyschic interpreted this card to mean that in order for me to achieve my goals, I need to make room for more pure fun and enjoyment in life. I found this reading interesting based on what I had already been thinking myself.

Here are some words typically associated with this card:

Optimism---Expansion---Being radiant---Positive feelings
Enlightenment---Vitality---Innocence---Non-criticism
Assurance---Energy---Personal power---Happiness
Splendor---Brilliance---Joy ---Enthusiasm

Lost Generation

Check out this video about the Lost Generation.



Cheesy, but kinda cool.

Good things come to those who wait, but strike while the iron's hot!

C'mon, what are you thinking? Yeah You! You are unemployed and you just do arts and crafts and go to coffee shops with friends and play volleyball all day long and hang out with your mom and then blog about it!? And you call that productive? Seriously! Wake up! Dooooo something with your life. Get a job. And put that cookie down, how many have you eaten now, anyway? Fine, you can finish that one, but seriously take some action for a change, get outta those uggo pjs and go out and save the whales!

So those are the kind of thoughts that trouble the mind of the unemployed...hmm. So that's what you hear; that's what people might say to you or think about you (or let's be real, at least that's what I personally hear myself thinking from time to time about myself). And it is sad, because it really shouldn't be that way. (Well for the most part). But sometimes I can't help but feel this way, and I don't know if it is just me overanalyzing, society and its pressures or a combination. I mean, I have only been unemployed for one month and by choice, and graduate school will begin in about two weeks, and I know plenty of people (at least 6 are coming to mind right now) that go to graduate school and are unemployed and and and... so, what is my big beef with it? Why can't I just enjoy my month without work or accept and appreciate that I may not have a job for the next year?

Isn't it shameful that we often write off most activities/thoughts/etc. that do not produce some sort of "product" or $$$$$ as wasted time or time spent "goofing around," not taking life seriously. While I am unemployed and without a regular cash flow, I still feel pretty serious about life for the most part. Why is it that we do not consider ourselves productive if we decide to spend the entire day baking grandma's cookies and catching up with friends...unless we also saved a child from drowning, ran a marathon, painted the entire house, took the dog for a walk, got the kids to soccer practice and most importantly worked an 8 hour shift? Seriously. If there are any pills our society needs to be taking, its a chill pill! And all these expectations of accomplishing multitudes of daily activities get even worse for the jobless. Those stay-at-home mas and pops out there should know how people look at those who are not making money. I mean, c'mon, if you have nothing else to do but be productive, one would look at baking cookies and being with a friend as potentially "worthless," even though both you and Kodak know your friend and those cookies are probably worth a whole lot more than an hourly wage or salary. Priceless, right?

Right? Hmm...wrong...hmmm...maybe right...hmmm?



Well, I'm not really sure. Maybe we tend to define ourselves by materials, output, money, and quantity when we also need to be focusing on finding quality, challenging ourselves, questioning our lifestyle and beliefs, living out our goals and dreams even if it may lead us to a pot of pennies. I think I am having trouble adjusting to life without a job because of how I have tended to live my life. Rather than just relaxing and listening to my deeper feelings sometimes I dive into things compulsively; I do too many things at once and I feel like it is better that way because the more stuff you do, the less you miss out on life and the fuller life you lead right? Well to a degree for me this is true. I do live life in a healthier fashion when I am busy, but this is not always the case. Only when I am qualifying my activities and truly being present and enjoying myself, I am fine. Sometimes this is not the case, and I realize I just need to breathe and have some patience and just wait or do nothing, and that can be just as productive if not more productive than going out there and engaging in a job or activity that doesn't suit me.

So with that all said, I patiently wait for my future to unfold, trusting it will all work out, while also accepting that that little voice in my head does have some legitimate points too, we must take some action to enable change. While I am very much enjoying this being free from labor, I have come to the decision that I want to work. It's just something I have to do. However, the job hunt has been less than fruitful. And this brings me back to the earlier topic. The perspective of quality of life versus quantity relates to my unemployed status, because I wonder to myself what is better? Sending out three decent applications a week, or spit out three-four-five applications a day? Which would yield more job opportunities? One would guess the second one of course just due to pure numbers, but at the risk of waiting around and being jobless for an unknown period of time, I have tried to take the qualitative approach and put out only applications to jobs I truly want. I'd much rather wait for a job that is right for me, than jump on the next one available. And it is hard sometimes because when you are not actively pursuing something it is hard to believe it will come to you. When you think about it--that idea in general is an oxymoron, it's two convential wisdoms that collide but that coexist. Good things come to those who wait, but strike while the iron's hot--that's the ticket. That's what I gotta do.

White rice, butter, and soy sauce. My ultimate comfort food.

Stereotypical you think, but seriously, what's not to love about starchy carbs, with a little fat and a pinch of salt? Or in more savory words, fluffy, hot'n'fresh from da cookaa white rice, smothered in butter (liquid gold) and dashed with soy... saucey!!! Exactly. Sign me up for another bowl! Man...I wish...but I should behave, this is already big bowl numba two on the day.

Anyway...pardon my post anat-phys class hunger, its unavoidable. After listening to how hard our bodies are at work, one can't help but feel the need to replenish/reward oneself for all the hard labor going down in the bod-or at least construct a good excuse to.

But truly, on a serious note I came on here for other reasons than to shout out my fave comfort food/show my rice appreciation. I really came here to generally express my gratitude for not only the nourishment this snack provides me on a physiological and emotional level but to give virtual thanks for blessing me with a healthy and functioning body. I know, I know. We always remember how we take things for granted, for a split second, and then we forget about it and continue on with our lives not thinking much on it. But after spending some of my summer nights learning about the human body and the crazy feats it can do, I can save you the details, but I cannot go without acknowledging how incredible the human body is, and how I admire its basic functions and its will to live and all that jazz.

Our lives are precious, our bodies are precious. Life is a gift. Health is a privilege. Our bodies are healthy today, sick tomorrow-- it is only good practice to appreciate what we have and pay our respect to ourselves and listen to our bodies and keep them sacred and whole. We only have one body and one mind. Let's not pollute them. Take care of yourself, you are too awesome to do otherwise.

My Little Muse and last Tuesday's Lessons

In Greek mythology, the Muses are a sisterhood of goddesses or spirits, their number set at nine by Classical times, who embody the arts and inspire the creation process with their graces through remembered and improvised song and stage, writing, traditional music, and dance. Not only are the Muses explicitly used in modern English to refer to an inspiration, as when one cites his/her own artistic muse, but they are also implicit in words and phrases such as "amuse", "amusement", "museum", "music," and "musing upon".
(taken from Wikipedia)

"DON'T BE GREEDY" (What can I say...I don't know if my message was very clear)


"NOT WAR, BUT PEACE" (If you want to hear why my little would vote for "Bock Obama" please ask and I will be more than happy to expand)


"MATH SKILLZ" (Counting...one finger at a time)


"NO MATTER WHAT, JUST BE YOURSELF" (What do you do when a boy calls you a name?)


"FRIENDSHIP" (You're looking at it)

On death, on life, on future, on present, on the place called Heaven

Last night I spent some quality time with a gentleman caller I am particularly fond of (I know, gentleman caller, what am I living in the 1940's? What are kids these days calling a man lady friend...? Ah, defining is confining), anyway, it dawned on me yet again, that I need to continue to carry out my philosophy of truly living moment by moment and truly being present in my daily existence. It is so easy to have a belief and wholly believe it, but to live it out, to practice it, is a-whole-nother challenge. And, anyway, being with this boy has again brought to my attention the necessity to really just be in the moment and not dwell so much on where it is heading, because when people start doing that, well shit hits the fan and I don't know about you, but I don't want to really go there if I don't have to.

So many relationships are squashed because they are built on all of these promises that occur in the future or they are all complex due to elements of the past, and while I recognize the past is very important, (and this is why I tend to get hesitant if somebody's past seems sketchy), I also recognize that sometimes those events should just simply be looked at as being part of the past, and if they made up the person who is standing in front of you in the present, the person that you adore so much, then should it really matter that much?

I am trying not to get too deep here, and I didn't want this to get so long and I don't really know where I am going with it (check out all the labels for this post). All I am saying is that I am trying to live life doing the things I love. I am trying to live as a good and honest person. So with honesty, I write that I have been slightly worried really to open up to a new person, but this morning on my ride into work I had a revelation (after I conquered my fears) that if it is working now, then that is all that matters. And what brought me again to this realization is the passage you see below, which captures the main point of all that I am saying in a more general, succinct and beautiful way (and this actually pertains to pending death, not a relationship, but I think it works for what I am going for).

"In suggesting that there may be nothing ahead of them, he in no way meant to diminish the future; instead, Father Sullivan hoped to elevate the present to a state of the divine. ... How wrongheaded it seemed now to think that the thrill of heartbeat and breath were just a stepping stone to something greater. What could be greater than the armchair, the window, the snow? Life itself had been holy." (p.131)

Last night the mother of my manfriend read some pages and this was the only quoted part I could find online. I remember though, as she was puffing a cigarette, that this was the end of the passage she read. And I really liked it. She is making a copy of the larger passage, and if I get so ambitious as to add it to this page later, so be it. If not, I think this illustrates the message well enough.

So often we live with these hopes and dreams, asking questions like where do you want to be 5 years from now? Some people answer "Happy." However what people don't recognize is that you can be happy today if you want to be. Same with Heaven. Some people are living in this magnificent world, not thinking much of it, throwing trash in it, abusing it, ignoring it, taking it for granted, thinking that this life is not real, and Heaven is where its at. Yet ironically some of these same people are afraid of death, because they are afraid that Heaven might not be there, and then what? Well as Ann Patchett would suggest in a page or so of her book, "Run," why live in fear and elevate the future so much? Why not think about this: what if this world is Heaven? Why can't this life be heaven? Would people feel sad to know that this might just be it? If that is how you feel...sad or disappointed you might want to reevaluate what is important to you in life.

Would I be sad to know that this life is it, that this life could be Heaven and God himself? I sure wouldn't, not in the slightest. In fact, what a better way to live than elevate the present moment and the present life to the divine! Why not be grateful for the life we are living? Rather than search for God in some distant, uncertain future, why not find him in daily life/existence? Why not find him in the eyes of your lover, a friend, a stranger, or even yourself? Why not find him in the trunk of a tree, the rushing waters of a river? That is what life is all about to me, finding God or whatever higher being in today, in the now. And being ever so grateful for the life that I have been given today. :)

So on that note, have a wonderful day today! And may you have many more :)

The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein-- a sappy tribute to my mother on her upcoming b-day

The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein

Once there was a tree...and she loved a little boy.

And every day the boy would come..and he would gather her leaves..
and make them into crowns
and play king of the forest.

He would climb up her trunk..and swing from her branches..
and eat apples.

And they would play hide-and-go-seek.

And when he was tired, he would sleep in her shade.

And the boy loved the tree...very much.
And the tree was happy.

But time went by...
And the boy grew older.
And the tree was often alone.

Then one day the boy came to the tree and the tree said, "Come, Boy, come and climb up my trunk and swing from my branches..and eat apples and play in my shade and...be happy..."

"I am too big to climb and play," said the boy.
"I want to buy things and have fun. I want some money. Can you give me some money?"....

"I am sorry," said the tree, "but I have no money. I have only leaves and apples.
Take my apples, Boy, and sell them in the city.
Then you will have money and you will be happy."

And so the boy climbed up the tree...and gathered her apples and carried them away.

And the tree was happy...!

But the boy stayed away for a long time...and the tree was sad.

And then one day the boy came back and the tree shook with joy and she said, "Come, Boy, climb up my trunk... and swing from my branches...and be happy."

"I am too busy to climb trees," said the boy.
"I want a house to keep me warm," he said.
"I want a wife and I want children, and so I need a house.
Can you give me a house?"
"I have no house," said the tree.
"The forest is my house, but you may cut off my branches and build a house. Then you will be happy."

And so the boy cut off her branches and carried them away to build his house.

And the tree was happy.
But the boy stayed away for a long time.
And when he came back, the tree was so happy she could hardly speak.

"Come, Boy," she whispered, "come and play."
"I am too old and sad to play," said the boy.
"I want a boat that will take me far away from here. Can you give me a boat?"

...."Cut down my trunk and make a boat," said the tree.
"Then you can sail away...and be happy."

And so the boy cut down her trunk and made a boat and sailed away.
And the tree was happy... but not really.

And after a long time the boy came back again.
"I am sorry, Boy," said the tree, "but I have nothing left to give you ...
My apples are gone."
"My teeth are too weak for apples," said the boy.
"My branches are gone," said the tree. "You cannot swing on them..."
"I am too old to swing on branches," said the boy.
"My trunk is gone," said the tree. "You cannot climb..."
"I am too tired to climb," said the boy.
"I am sorry," sighed the tree. "I wish that I could give you something... but I have nothing left.
I am just an old stump. I am sorry..."

"I don't need very much now," said the boy, "just a quiet place to sit and rest. I am very tired." "Well," said the tree, straightening herself up as much as she could, "well, an old stump is good for sitting and resting. come, Boy, sit down.
Sit down and rest."

And the boy did.
And the tree was happy.

____________________________

It's my mother's birthday this Thursday, September 11th. It's a very emotional day for America, and of course it is emotional for my mother, because not only was she born this day, but she loves America very, very much. She is the type of mother who
can sit and watch an Oprah show or any show really, even a sports-related story, and she will need a box of tissue nearby to catch her tears of joy or her tears of sorrow. While she is strong as an ox when it comes to all other matters in her life, the little human stories that are not her own, seem to touch her so deeply. She feels so connected to them, and she feels a deep compassion for other people.

It is not just other people she feels compassion for. She especially, must feel a deep compassion for me, as I am a very stubborn and sometimes a hard to be around person, I can be very strong-willed, but sometimes hot-tempered and offensive, but even in my most unpleasant moments, she has loved me and taken the high road every time. She has never lost her cool, she has never told me I am wrong or that I am right or that I am just a young inexperienced fool; she just listens patiently and she just is there for me and she trusts I will make my own decisions and grow appropriately on my own.

Over the years I have tried not to take advantage of her genuine love and trust for me, a love that definitely is unconditional, a love that is challenging and a love that is untouchable. She laughs with me when I am happy, and she cries for me when she sees me live through the not-so-happy times. While she cannot grow up for me, she is there 100% of the time. She has always been there. When I was in Europe, suffering from health problems, in a country with no old friends and with foreign language and foreign doctors, my mother was on the line til dawn or dusk to talk me to sleep, to tell me that she loved me, that everything would be okay. I knew she was scared (as she told me later), but she never once showed it to me, she was brave, strong and she provided me with courage. When I was young and kids were picking on me in elementary school, my mom was there, somedays even crying with me, because she saw the pain and loneliness I was feeling and she could not bear it. When I played ball, when I needed a home cooked meal or help cleaning or organizing, or when I needed to be scolded, she was there. Always like the giving tree, when I have needed her she has been there and ready to offer me whatever she could.

My mom (and I will extend this to parents here), have truly given me more than I could ever imagine. And this poem is just so beautiful and slightly sad to me, because little do we ever realize and appreciate what our parents have really given us. The visual representation alone of a tree giving away all of its apples, branches, and trunk (its wholeself) to a little boy who just carelessly leaves the tree to be alone is nuts and almost seems fiction, nowadays. This tree decides to give up part of iself and part of its life, its own wants and needs to help fulfill the boy's life, the boy's happiness. This giving somehow gives the tree its happiness and fulfillment. But this story is not fiction for me. This tree is my mother, and this tree is my father. And as hard as it is to say, because I have never tried to take advantage of their hospitality and blind love, I still can see myself in that little boy-- who only comes by every so often and only calls when he needs something or wants to talk--I know a person who can be like that, and that person can be me.

Recently I have put forth lots of effort to see my parents once a week, but really I note it can be out of convenience, either my friends are in town or I had a volleyball game, etc. And after reading this poem, I realized again how lucky I am to have such givers in my life; they have truly provided me with the opportunity to do something great--to also give to others.

But the greatest thing I think I can do at this point in my life, and I am really going to try to do more often, is simply remind myself of the importance of my parents and the lessons they have taught me and never let them feel lonely or forget that I know what I have been given. And instead of thinking about the fact that I can never give to them in the same way they have given to me, I can only hope, that someday in the far future I will give to my children like my parents have given to me. And this is why I see importance in growing a family and providing for somebody other than yourself. Because whether or not we like to admit, when we are like 50 or 60, I don't care how hot or smart you think you are, for most of us, or for me anyway, it is children that really hold the future and who are full of so much life. And to be able to be a part of that--a contributor to a family, to a new generation, is one of the luckiest and greatest gifts to look forward to when I grow gray, even if it means I might be reduced to a sometimes lonely but more important, happy stump. :)