Recently an article was put out by MSN called "I went undercover on America's cheating website." I ran into it on a friend's webpage this morning.
The article notes that sex only scratches the surface of the reasons why 5,440,000 U.S. men cheat openly on ashleymadison.com. Are we surprised?
From the writer's experience with various members from the site, she found some interesting but not alarming reasons why these men were cheating. Her subtitles linked us to these themes:
* Am I missing out?
* I could never have this conversation with her
* Talking about the glory days
* On to the next
Am I missing out?
Because we live in the era of information overload, countless choices, numerous career changes, instant messaging and instant gratification, can we be surprised that people feel like they are missing out? Not only does having too many options exhaust us, but it also makes people question whether or not they made the right choice.
An article published in the LA times in 2009 mentions that having too many choices does not necessarily mean a happier consumer.
I think that this observation can be keenly noted in the area of relationships. Are the people who frequent such websites happier than the average citizen? Have they accepted that enough is enough? Do we need to have our cake and our neighbor's cake and eat it all too? This seems to be modern culture's way of thought. In the end, the person with all the cake is feeling fat and wondering why they ate all the cake.
We should be asking why are we so hungry? Do we feel unloved? What is it that is really bothering us? After examining that question maybe we can begin to look ourselves in the eye and get to the heart of the matter, and maybe we can begin to address why the relationship we are in isn't working for us. Maybe.
I could never have this conversation with her
I am not going to write a novel about each topic, that would bore you. I will say two things here:
1) If you are going to get married, make sure you can converse with the person you are marrying. Pretty simple rule to follow.
2) If you are having issues with communication or lost it somewhere down the road, seek counseling first. Perhaps the person isn't right for you and you can cross that bridge when it comes up, but at least have the courage to address the issue. Going behind somebody's back and talking to someone else about how you cannot communicate with another person does not improve anything. It only hurts both parties.
Talking about the glory days
Two things again:
1) Yes it's fun to relive the excitement and yes it is true that some of that first excitement will change over time and never be the same. But don't stop trying to be excited. Do new things in your relationship or as the article put it, "keep it fresh."
2) This section of the article reminded me about a blog I posted in 2008 about relationships and community. It has a cute little excerpt from Vonnegut's God bless you, Dr. Kervorkian that talks about how people are really missing community or true friends in their lives, not necessarily a better partner. People just want people to talk to and to tell their story to again and again (you'll see this a lot with old people).
On to the next
This part connects to having too many choices but also reminds me again of mainstream culture's infatuation with disposability and waste. We consider it luxury at the peril of ourselves and others, mainly people we exploit from third world countries and the world itself--Mother Earth.
In the case of the article people are doing it to their own family members. Do they think that these actions do not hurt their children--the future generation? How incredibly sad, but transparent, these "cheaters" are simply lost human beings seeking love. It could be argued that they are just products or reflections of our societal values right now.
With that said, let us truly wake up and really think about this article today. Think about our own loneliness. When you are feeling lonely how do you deal with it? Maybe you do not cheat but do you maybe go and buy things you do not need or indulge in foods that make you ill? Just think about it for a moment.
Also, let us ask ourselves, do we treat other people and ourselves with integrity and with value anymore? What are our values? What is really missing in our lives that drive us to such measures? Do we treat nature and our neighboring countries and those afar with the respect and love that they deserve? Why or why not?
Read the full MSN article here.
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