Hi there.
I am feeling especially reflective today. It was a solid day of huge ups and downs, and I have meant to write in here for awhile, and I was able to chat on the phone with my dear friend that I often find myself writing about in my blog. And who would have guessed, but she made me think again. Golly, just what I need. To think more. (and write more run-on sentences).
And so I record.
As you may have noticed a big theme in my life right now, or preoccupation, seems to be the whole, me vs. not me, Who am I? What do I want to do with my life? and I have been really struggling to find the balance that is me--my voice and nobody else's. This idea brings me to this health seminar that I recently attended and only stayed for half the time. Quite frankly, at first the woman appeared to be some sort of feng shui artist, and I had a hard time taking her seriously, but after a few good points, I had to admit some of the things she was talking about carried weight and made sense. One thing she said was talking about "Me" and the importance of "being me." She mentioned that there is the "me" that other people think you are, there is the "me" that you think you are, and then there is the "me" that you really are. Think about this for a minute. Are these "me"s the same person? Do you know the "me" that you really are? This concept really hit home with me, and made me think about my identities as of late. Typically my identities to be very broad, fall into 4 categories right now, ranked in order: girlfriend, friend, daughter, worker. Where in these pictures is me? Besides the obviously wonderful joys that come along with being a girlfriend, friend, daugther and worker, where is the "me" in those identities?
The girlfriend in me often falls victim to starting a life that can turn too compromising if I do not watch out. I can fall into a complacency and hinder myself from my passions and wants and dreams and stop learning and challenging myself, because I am too busy concerning myself with the daily life matters/needs/wants of my boyfriend.
Me as the friend can become preoccupied with the lifestyles that my friends lead. Rather than stopping and focusing on what I want to do, I can either begin to compare myself to my peers or just follow/join them, go along for the ride of their life journeys, while neglecting what I think about my own. The friend in me can also busy herself with the dilemmas of her friends and ignore her own, or she could go on and on, complaining about bothersome life situations to her friends, but this venting really does nothing to help her change/improve the situations (besides perhaps drive her friends nuts!)
The daughter that I can be can be a guilty daughter. A daughter that certainly cares about her parents, but doesn't create enough time in the day to give them the undivided attention they seem to give her. Thus, this person in me, gets frustrated and guilty that I cannot live up to the standards I have created for myself as a daughter, the same standards that I also believe my parents created for me. This daugher too, can worry, worry too much about what her parents think about her friends, about her life decisions, about me! etc.
The worker. When I am a worker, sadly too, I am doing what I can to please my boss and my co-workers. I think it is a natural reaction to have. But can be counterintuitive sometimes.
So obviously I took from these above roles, only the parts that seem to not be me. (To prove a point). I highlighted the parts in these identities that really have nothing to do with me, but really only have to do with everybody else.
What it boils down to here, which is why I came on here to write in the first place... Do you really know who YOU are? Because before you continue on the current path you are walking on, just stop and make sure that you have an idea or are trying to figure out the answer to this complex question. Because you will always be lost and confused when you cannot find yourself and when you do not know yourself, your needs, wants, passions for life. Following this paragraph comes the beautiful words that my friend's aunt wrote her, giving her advice on how to make a certain big life decision. I think it can be applied in general to serve a greater purpose, and it made me come on here tonight and write.
Please insert your name in the blank where my friend's name was (and change gender if necessary). I will say no more but what was said, because I think it illustrates the point wonderfully:
"What all of this makes me wonder about is … whether or not you’ve really found _______.
Has she had the time and space to discover and nurture her creative genius, her soul’s passion, her heart’s desire, what’s calling her life? Does she truly treasure the beautiful creature that she is? Does she hold that life sacred? Does she know that she is whole, and loved, just as she is, all by herself?
And … is that the SAME ______ that is making this life-decision?"
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